a year later... i guess i am not happy unless there is chaos involved..
02.18.12 (11:59 am) [edit]in my last post i was talking bout being nervous bout meeting the family, that has came and gone. I have since called off the engagement, were still together trying to work things out. i was angry about alot of things that happened and instead of talking about them or whatever your supposed to do when you feel that way i went and found someone else to pay attention to me to make me feel pretty. he isn't perfect but he is amazing though brash and seemingly unremarkable i would be proud to call him mine. I for some reason don't have the heart to end things like i think i should i feel bad since i really don't have any really relevant reason i feel like there should be cheating or something involved not you were ignoring me so i fell in love with someone else and i have been supporting you for four years get the hell out of my life type of thing. I don't know though chaos seems to be the story of my life.
thank goodness for amazing ppl
11.16.10 (9:42 pm) [edit]so my fiances mother decided to take it upon herself to book us hotel rooms and make us the ride for a few straggling family members to the annual get together next weekend. so i was faced with going to a job and supervisor i haven't had very long and pleading my case as to why i need these four days off YES four days one before and two after thanksgiving for anyone who ever worked retail black friday is worse than christmas and you just don't ask for this time off but i reluctantly did. At first she told me no then made me aware of her ailing mother in the ICU and lamented that she couldn't take time off and that is just wasn't going to happen. i agreed apologized for having to bring it up and explained that i was just doing my part in asking IF anything could be done but i didn't expect much. a while later she came back and told me she had already given me thanksgiving off before and then added two of the three i needed. thank you soo much no i just hope these days won't be wasted and my fiances family will like me. :/
seems i forgot again...
11.12.10 (12:00 am) [edit]maybe i will just keep to this posting of once or so a year that seems to be my pattern as of late. As for what's goin on in my life right now, i am engaged to be married in September of next year, i am barely hangin on by a thread to my car and still looking for a full time job. Looking to get into college prolly not till sprint term next year at the earliest but school none the less i found out i have family that actually wants me and got an invitation to the family reunion next year to prove it. worried about that working on learning spanish so i don't seem like a complete idiot when i meet them. i love my fiance and we registerd at BB&B today woot! well that's all for now :D
My sincerest apologies. .
08.15.09 (12:24 am) [edit]In the six years i have had my blog my life has never got very interesting,there was however more complaining about my teenage angst then there ever needed to be and to those who actually took the time to read it, i am sorry. I have grown whether it be matured or just aged and in so doing learned how to hold my tongue. Either way no more morose tear ladden entries from me unless they are absolutely necessary. so much has happened since my last entry i couldn't even fathom connecting them all together. Many have come an gone in my life. and i am still here for better or worse, i have learned to take the sweet and the sour, there that is my insight for the week. we shall see how long i can stand it next week will probably be more angsty angry words but now they will just be grown up issues rather than who likes who best. after high school ppl still lie cheat walk all over and smile and ask what's wrong the next day as if they have no idea sorry dreamers it doesn't get any better. ~moi~
i found her
10.05.06 (6:20 pm) [edit]the love of my life, so i'm newly out to my mom, i have a girlfriend have for almost two months i love her so much she's been a part of my life for a little over 8 months. i love her so much i wanna be with her forever, she makes me so happy. i can't wait till i can see her this coming holiday. well ttyl more later.
--<-;@ Gay Pride @;->--
06.20.06 (11:38 am) [edit]OMg i had the best time on sunday i went to the gay pride festival in portland it was so much fun i got all kinds of rainbowed out my hair my bracelets etc. it as great. i got checked my two gorgeous girls and best of all i donated my hair to locks of love. An organization that takes real hair people donate to make wigs for cancer patients it was wonderful i loved it and i got a great cut out of it too. Betty was there performed live that was awesome. and just fun in general. ~Love is never wrong~
New roommates!
06.05.06 (11:23 am) [edit]well cuz of choice things, that have gone down with me and my supposed best friend who was also my roommate, i moved out. last night as a matter of fact and i haven't slept that good in a while. yeah man it makes me smile. i have two new awesome roomies to come back to everyday. and they like me so i'm happy, i'll get to chill with them make new friends. new friends are always good. well more later toodles. ~Moi~
wow
05.31.06 (10:45 am) [edit]Memorial day weekend couldn’t have been worse I wanted to die, really I felt like I was going to anyway. I haven’t had an asthma attack in like almost ten years and what happens this weekend bam come back to school and I need an inhaler oh yeah cuz asthma is sexy. I wish I could blame it on the scotchbrum that was all over the place but goodness knows it was the mold and mildew that infested the place I stayed at we went camping and it was even in the tent. I’m wheezing and coughing like there is no tomorrow, I am so not amused. On a happier note I did spend those three days with my boyfriend he’s great. We had one of those heart to heart talks it was interesting. My ex girlfriend is trying to get me back. I can’t stand it, I like this boy too much to let her interfere but she is trying her damndest to get me back ugh it’s aggravating. But I won’t let her so it’s ok. I’m really happy with him perhaps maybe more so than he is with me, he seems just a little different and I’m not sure why, and I’m usually right when this sort of thing happens. And I hate it. Anyway I hope he doesn’t break up with me, if he does I guess I’ll live but It’ll hurt I really like this boy. More later toodles
i love her so much why does she hurt me so.
04.27.06 (3:37 pm) [edit]well i there is a girl here i love and she tells me she loves me then what happens last night she starts kissin on her ex girlfriend right in front of me. and what do i do yell, scream rant and rave ummm no. i start crying cuz everyday i love her it breaks my heart a little more but i'll never leave her, and she know this so she figures she'll get away with it. she see's me crying anyway, comes over and whispers in my ear it means nothing, you know i love you. i was just fuckin with her, don't cry shhh baby don't cry. i was so angry and hurt and she not once did i hear i'm sorry. she says she loves me oh it really shows i'm gettiin sick of this but i can't help it i want her and only her. what am i to do? man i need a cigarette meh _< well more later. >
A New life!! :)
04.26.06 (6:13 pm) [edit]ok so it's been awhile since i posted but i can't help it. i haven't had interenet access in soooo long anyway my new life is great. I'm at dun dun dun job corp and amazingly(not really) it's the same drama shit i have posted about in here since high school ummm i could shoot myself in the foot. anwyay good things that have happened lately ummm i've almost got my GED yah for me. i have one test left on friday i'm so psyched. i had a girlfriend for awhile but that didn't work out cheater. i dated this nice other guy he was so cool but i he thought i cheated on him got mad because of his own assumptions and dumped me. IDiot. so i'm single and loving it hehehehe. so i'll keep ya posted. maybe now that i'm 19 life won't be so bad. it's hard to believe i've been posting here since i was 15. craziness. well gotta jet. toodles ya'll. my new friends are awesome i love them but i haven't forgotten the old. <3 me >
2005
01.01.05 (5:26 am) [edit]:D Yay WooHoo Weeeeee!!!!! ok there is all my new years excitement i can't possibly be happy my friend is leaving me goin away on his mission for two whole years sniff sniff i suppose i'll live he just better write to me though oh i wish i could i say i got totally shit faced and danced topless in the streets at two a.m but that didn't happen(unfortunately :roll:) i had a good one though and i actually got presents on christmas even better well wishing you all a great new year now if you'll excuse me i'm going to go finish my long island iced tea LOL.
Damn two girls but no guys
12.21.04 (1:27 am) [edit]:wink: Damn if a guy was in my position he'd love it but unforntunatley i'm a chick but i guess it's ok i think there are two girls at school that like me and why i'm not entirely sure but i guess i'll live at least their cute. so nothing new has happened except that i got stuck moving right before my senior year bleh my boyfriend of almost six months broke up with me for now reason but hey his loss maybe i should consider girls i seem to have better luck with them anyway lol. my best guy friend moved out of state and ugh i'm stuck with sassy uptight drama queens that don't leave the house unless their hair is perfect and their purses and shoes co-ordinate. bleh and i've been expierementing with a new look and my mom is like well ummm doin the i don't love it but i don't hate it face you all know that one. and so i'm not really considered punk but then i'm not preppy hell no so what is it they call ppl like me. posers or Emo where do you draw the line?? for those of you who actually read my blog bob the evil stepfather has left the building and another one is in the making good thing bad thing not sure.
Speaking of drama queens i guess i am one when it comes to theatre anyway i just found out the local theatre is doin their own production of Rocky Horror Picture Show HELL YEAH!!! i am so Auditioning for that. as and far as parts are concerned i'll be happy to be in the with the chorus *big grin* :D. so that is all that is new g2g 4 now. l8ter
Blah Blah Blah
08.27.04 (5:38 pm) [edit]you never said that you were perfect but you always are to me, and lovin you was always worth it cuz you see so much in me . . .
it's sucks what are you supposed to feel when your best friend who you thought you're gonna be together forever with has a child with someone else and forgets you're even breathing as soon as something better comes along. do you be happy for them or jealous or just keep out of the picture i'm so confused it hurts and i hate it. bleh :(
he's gone. . . for good:(
07.19.04 (12:44 pm) [edit]I don't know how many times i ran over it in my head hopin that when i called him he'd just tell me he was scared and he was wrong and he still loved me. and we would get back together so with this scenario in my head what did i do i called him and he basically told me everything i already knew but didn't wanna hear. were better off as friends he said you don' need me to screw up your life. so its for you own good that i broke up with you. i didn't wanna hurt you more than i already have it's better that you hurt a little right now than so much more ten years later so even i feel like i can't walk and if i cry a little harder i just might come apart. it woulnd't matter cuz my heart is already in pieces and i'm having trouble finding the glue. he said he wasn't a good boyfriend, he wasn't the greatest but hes what i want! shouldn't that be enough. and then he proceeds to encourage me to go for one of his buddies. because he's a good guy. i don't want anyone but him what am i gonna do. i don't want ANYBODY ELSE DAMN IT!!!! :cry:
I just feel Bleh!! it's one of those days
07.18.04 (10:59 pm) [edit]:cry: it's been far too long since i've heard from or seen my best friend michelle. i miss her so much. but she's out workin helpin to provide for her family. which is good but i still miss her and in like three days i'll be moving to albany i'll still go to school here but it's sad not that i hang out with anyone else on regular basis but now it'll be more of a hassle. bleh i miss my now ex boyfriend but i guess i'll live i've got teddybear but it wont make up for shawn not bein there. i wish prince charming would just show up and make all my problems just go away. i wish someone liked me but hey isn't it nice to dream. i'm outty. <3 me :cry: >
a poem
07.17.04 (1:40 am) [edit]Marked by Stone
I didn't believe this day could get any worse, so i folded the razor blade in cloth and put in my purse.
I walked till my knees could bend no more, running through the times i'd been called bitch, slut or whore.
The times i cried till my sides ached, Hoping in the morning not to wake.
The good times we had were few and far between, it somehow made it feel better or so it seemed.
So, for all of you who contributed to my hurt, my pain,
i want you to know this my Name.
For i am a person, a human as well, and so now you see now you can tell.
It's etched in granite for all to know, this is my life six feet under marked by stone.
I'm not really gone, because you really didn't know me.
I was never really there, because you couldn't really see.
But for those who loved me and those who knew, I will live on forever, longer than you.
and for those who hurt me.
Thank you for teaching me the flaws of human nature, you made it all clear the kind of person i don't want to be. So now i tell you, YOU have only passed judgment on yourselves NOT ME!!
I have to ask could these few days be any worse!!
07.17.04 (1:30 am) [edit]Well i can't complain too much it isn't as bad as it could be my moms boyfriend wants to for me to come home he thinks i shouldn't be apart from my mother and i couldn't agree more but it's odd for me to accept another person caring for my well being besides my mom and he wants to try to be a father to me considering i have't had one so here i am wanting so much to be taken care of but scared to let anyone in what am i to do and my boyfriend broke up with me on the first day that i've seen him since i got out of jail he was in for four months sniff sniff and then my buddy broke her elbow and another friend of mine got arrested today god only knows what for. and it just kinda sucks but at least now i got a place to live so i can't whine i'm just scared of getting hurt again my real dad abandoned me, my stepfather who promised to never do that has done the same thing i feelin like i should just give it a rest since i'm almost 18 anyway i'll just wait till i get married then my husband can be the authortive figure but then again i wouldn't want to put that kind of burden on them and i'm so confused about why my boyfriend broke up with me but he said we can discuss our status in like six months whatever i won't wait around for him so if i 'm taken when he's ready sorry babe i love you but i refuse to put my life on hold. :roll: but it's late gotta jet ya'll toodles
Sniff Sniff . . . . i didn't swing hard enough!!!
07.14.04 (5:17 pm) [edit]:twisted: Just when i thought things couldn't get any worse after my boyfriend goin to jail i thought oh wow great i can handle this and then the first time i see him in four months what does he do he goes all twitchy on me and then dumps me and for what reason none really other than he's paranoid and thinks someone is gonna tell on him that i'm not 18 yet OMFG i don't think anyone cares enough to wanna do him in for anything but hey instead of wasting my time and tears on his sorry and indecisive ass i'm gonna do just fine by myself and besides my friend had the right idea come home and drown my sorrow in doritos and moutain dew maybe smoke a bowl hahahahh just kidding anyway yah he dumps me after a year and just now is my age starting to bother him what the fuck is all i have to ask i really don't understand!!! but hey i can't expect too much from a stoner right? oh well i'm still breathin and i'll just keep on believen that everything will turn out all right. :twisted:
god she sucks so much ass but i love her
06.25.04 (11:51 pm) [edit]:evil: i hate it drives me nuts any guys lately i even remotley liked they meet her and rawr immediate attraction like a fuckin magnet what the hell yah she is beautiful but i don't get im so mad i'm gonna go cry about it as childish as that is it will make me feel better damn it i hate it yah i want him but guess what he is over there on the couch in her lap i know i'm jealous and i swear if when my boyfriend meets her if he oggles her i'm gonna freak out. thats it end of story. i just want one just one to like me better me first but no that is just to much to fuckin ask. shit but i do love her damn you. damn me i wanna my boy. :twisted: :x :cry:
BOred
06.15.04 (2:12 pm) [edit]:roll: OMG i'm gonna die of boredom i don't know what to do. i guess the internet is fun but not if can't find anyone to talk to. school is out not that i went that much anyway but my goodness i miss people sniff. and i got thrown out of my house and i have no one to talk to.
AHAAHAHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH :P insanity. i guess i'll live but i make no promises. bleh. i'm so bored i could watch teletubbies eeek save me eeek. meep :roll:
man i'm dense so freakin observant
04.07.04 (5:17 pm) [edit]:oops: well today was just awesome i got the nerve to ask someone to prom and well he said no but the reason was absolutely hilarious it's because he don't fancy girls umm umm how do u answer to that one :? but i figured it'd be fun so were friends which is better than nothin right now here is the ironic part 5 min he told me no i got my two prom tix i had asked the school for hey what the hell i thought it was funny anyway im still goin and intend on havin fun maybe i'll find a date by saturday good luck ehhehehehehehehe :roll: l8ter
I hate my father step father that is
01.30.04 (7:37 pm) [edit]I know I know it is stereotypical for there to be hate for the step parent but guess what i don't like my step daddy cuz he is a major asshole goes out cheats on my mom then comes back honestly expecting everything to be all good with us our feelings and the world i think not :x well it's good we are moving out i just don't want the new quarter to start becuz then i have to deal with bobbie not something i wanna go through blech i hate dumb bitches like bobbie and my stupid step father. :evil: :evil: :evil:
oh well someday things will be better when it is just me an my mom :lol: :D
Hey ya (profanity read with caution)
01.16.04 (1:35 pm) [edit]:lol: what a funny thing happened today everybody aka bobbie wants to kill everybody else i laugh alot it's really funny for once i don't have to want to kill everyone but one did thing that did happen that sucked boy i am good at embarrassing myself :oops: i managed to make myself look like a complete idiot and a hick at the same time yipee. i just can't wait for carol to get back to school lets just hope our paths never cross it will be better for her. i can't stand all the assholes that attend this building they call a school. it really sucks i hate mike he wants another girl big surprise passes me up once again oh well i'm done with that i'll get my girl to find me a friend i'll probably like him better anyway. oh well i'm not supposed to be here now in school and it's against rules wah cry me a river build me a bridge and get the fuck over it.
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
01.11.04 (8:30 pm) [edit]:D OMG it's a good day i have money and i'm not worried about some stupid issues but hey i can worry about it tomorrow when all the drama starts up all over again yipee skip blech just kidding. anyway i have to get back to my friend and her boy issues. ttyl :?